Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Face-Lift 52


Guess the Plot

Closed Legs Don't Get Fed

1. Street hooker Juno Simmons loses weight on Kayne's Workout Plan and doesn't have to mess with RayRay's broke azz anymore.

2. A female demon with a love of big cities and a taste for hip hop feeds on men's souls while engaged in the nasty.

3. A video queen becomes an indentured concubine to Redbone, a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art.

4. Razor sharp moves are Daisy Nare's goldmine until rapper Big Baby Z reenters her life and sues her for stealing his trademarked kick-n-split.

5. A woman reincarnated many times, tells of her lives as a boxer's "ho," a royal courtesan, and finally a $1000-a-night call girl.

6. Weaving the stories of five seemingly unrelated women together into a telling commentary on "the oldest profession" and its role in the subversion of the Catholic church.



Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Former queen of the "vid-e-ho's" Circe Baptiste has learned three rules of survival: 1.Everybody's working, 2. You ride until the wheels fall off and 3. Closed legs don't get fed. Once the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends, she is now doing time as an indentured concubine to Redbone. [Something tells Evil Editor he's going to need the Urban Translation Council sitting in his lap to get through this.] [Oddly, the one thing I don't understand so far is how "Everybody's working" is a rule of survival.]

Redbone a roughneck street "financier" with a love of modern art, is serious about his money and hungry for legitimate success. [This is much less interesting now that I realize we're not talking about Leon Redbone.] He takes Circe as payment for a gambling debt, when her lover's dog kidnapping/ransom scheme goes awry. [Okay, let me see if I've got this straight. You have a lover who starts a dognapping business, hoping people will pay millions to get their pooches back. Turns out most of them are happy to be rid of the fleas, hair, vet bills, and urine-stained carpeting. Loverboy tries to recoup his investment in nets and kennels by wagering on the Super Bowl with Redbone, but Redbone wins the bet. Loverboy can't pay off, but to keep from having his legs broken, he offers Redbone his woman (you) as an indentured concubine (translation: ho). And you go along with this?] [Of course you do. A loan shark is a major step up from a dognapper. It's like trading in your '79 Pinto for a '98 Yugo.]

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds almost every thing and everyone in her life an eye-rolling-teeth-sucking bore. Except for the part where she trades sex for I-Pods and Seven jeans, then ends up missing. [Evil Editor once traded sex for an iPod. Turned out to be filled with Gregorian chants. What a ripoff. Though at least it wasn't alternative rock.] Convinced that her sister's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe returns home, to comfort her family, escape life with Redbone and put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48,Circe learns a new rule--missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world where under age girls are sold to the highest bidder, [Which is much worse than a world where women are used to pay off gambling debts.] Circe enlists Redbone in the race to find her sister. [Couldn't she enlist Rockford or Mannix or Cannon or Magnum? Instead of this clown?] [How come there aren't any private eye shows on TV anymore? There used to be hundreds.] [Maybe I just answered my own question.] Their treacherous journey will take them from the streets of Chicago, to a sleepy boarder town in Mexico. But is she risking her life to save somebody that doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word erotic thriller; CLOSED LEGS DON'T GET FED. [While this title may be an attention grabber, the number of people who are familiar with the expression and who buy books may not thrill most publishers.] A commercial novel with series potential that deals with the subject of middle class teen prostitution, unbalanced media coverage for the missing and a sub plot of a celebrity with a taste for young girls.

If crime fiction and erotic noir had a torrid affair, the love child would be Phoenix Lacy. [Maybe so, but for a moment, the reader has no idea what you're talking about. And once they do, this kind of hype is a turn-off. Chances are the book will be a letdown if it's built up too much. Let the agent determine the identity of your book's illegitimate parents.] Alter ego of __________, writer and peripheral intimate of hip-hop culture. I offer stylized fictional accounts of rumor, innuendo, and facts that I have been privy to or researched over the years. [Shouldn't you be writing a nonfiction tell-all?] [Just between us, which macho rappers are gay? And who's the celebrity with a taste for young girls?]

Thank you for your consideration


Revised Version

Dear Literary Agent,

Honor student Nevah Baptiste, fifteen, finds everything in her life an eye-rolling, teeth-sucking bore--except the part where she trades sex for iPods and Seven jeans. When Nevah goes missing, her big sister Circe, former queen of the "vid-e-ho's," comes home to comfort the family. Convinced that Nevah's disappearance is a tantrum gone too far, Circe intends to put a foot up her little sister's ass.

But when 24-hours become 48, Circe learns that missing black girls don't make headlines. Forced to navigate a world in which underage girls are sold to the highest bidder, Circe enlists her latest man, Redbone, in the race to find her sister. Their treacherous journey will take them from the mean streets of Chicago to a sleepy border town in Mexico. But is Circe risking her life to save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

I am seeking representation for my 90,000 word thriller, Redbone, a commercial novel with series potential that deals with middle class teen prostitution and unbalanced media coverage for the missing. I have an intimate knowledge of hip-hop culture, and have been privy to rumor, innuendo, and facts over the years, thanks to my former position as the spoiled plaything of hip-hop legends.

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

While sex is obviously going to be part of this book to some extent, I'm not sure how erotic it should be if your goal is to make a statement about unbalanced media coverage, etc.

There are too many typos. Unless you've got the goods on some big names, no one's going to want to edit a book riddled with errors.

While it may be good to prepare an editor for the tone of the book by using that tone in the query, it's probably also a good idea to demonstrate that you can write a professional letter. You will need a business relationship with your publisher, and he/she would like to know if there's a you besides Circe and Phoenix.

Since you plan to make this a series, I suggest that in the next installment, Redbone, flushed with success after locating Nevah, has opened a private eye business that specializes in tracking down stolen dogs.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't it be "iPod" and not "I-Pod"? I know it's not in the revised version, but I'm just curious.

Evil Editor said...

iPod it is, and it was in the revised version. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

You forgot "A rain of alien spores falls on the earth, giving rise to a race of mutants whose digestive systems run backwards."

Don't laugh. It could happen. ;)

Anonymous said...

I feel like I should've worn protection before I read that query.

Eucch.

Anonymous said...

Can I have the first "Nevah say Nevah" joke? Okay then. Thanks.

-A, who likes both Gregorian chant and alternative rock

Anonymous said...

Circe? Is that long e or silent e? Or, is it like in "toupee"? Is that c as in "cat" or c as in "price"? It annoys hell out of me when I am not sure how to pronounce the name. Please have your character correct someone so the reader will know. I used to substitute names I can pronounce into novels that had those funky names in them. Now, I just don't read the book. -JTC

Anonymous said...

I'm impressed that the girls were named Circe and Phoenix -- their parents clearly received a classical education.

Anonymous said...

I could see this selling as a memoir if the author is a 30-something white guy from the suburbs. Hey, it could happen.

KATZ said...

Nice job on the rewrite, EE. Great improvement.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I like Gregorian chants and alternative rock!

JTC-it's SIR-see. What were you smoking during your classical mythology courses in college? ;)

And Rachel, I bet the parents read the names in some trashy novel or something. Ooh, or stole them from the birth announcements section of a Hollywood rag.

"Today, Mr. and Mrs. Fabio Borge welcomed the arrival of twins, Pheonix and Circe by caesarian section. The babies are healthy, and mother has already undergone tummy-tuck surgery and stretch-mark reduction laser therapy."

Evil Editor said...

That's two people who thought "Phoenix" was the sister's name. EE assumed it was the author's pen name. Which confirms my claim that people wouldn't know what it meant, at least for a moment. Of course it might be easier for the minions to see if EE hadn't stuck in all the blue writing.

Anonymous said...

Heh heh. Oops. Guess I should have read the letter again, or maybe not touched my computer so soon after naptime.

And no, JTC, I haven't been smoking anything!

Anonymous said...

Are there still some Yugos around? ;-)

Anonymous said...

In a fantasy novel, you don't say things like "her eyes literally glazed over," because it might not be taken metaphorically. And in an erotic thriller, "Circe intends to put a foot up her little sister's ass" really doesn't bear thinking about. Change it, please?

Anonymous said...

Wow, I thought they stopped making Yugos in the early 90s...

...Which would make "'98 Yugo" a mixed motorphor.

But they are still in production! Just no longer imported to the U.S.

Jane said...

Well, anonymous, that "literally" is really begging for trouble. :-)

I gotta stick up for "Circe intends to put a foot up her little sister's ass." It gets a touch of Circe's character, and (I imagine) the voice of the novel into the query.

It sounds like an interesting book.

Anonymous said...

No, no... those aren't typos, that's slang. ;)

And, anonymous: Ewww.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who thought the story only started when little sister went missing.

Anonymous said...

Oops. Me illiterate.

Actually, in my own defense, when I was clicking the comment button, the last thing I saw was the phrase "more to you than Circe and Phoenix" from EE's notes. So it's totally EE's fault.

Anonymous said...

What happened to the Roman numbers? Lost count?

Novelust said...

If I may be a little bold here, I wonder if you might consider putting in something more about Circe's motivations/who she is? I've got a decent grasp of the plot from the query letters, but I don't know anything about Circe, really, and it doesn't go a long way towards making me like her. Or even making me interested in her. Her character is... what? Plaything? Vid-e-ho? There's got to be more to her than that.

You mentioned in the comments that Circe's mother told her she could bewitch men - this is something that should be in the query. Something like it, anyway. Something about Circe the character - if she's a fast-talking manipulator, I want to know.

Brenda said...

Way to go, W. Not everyone admits their queries. Good job!

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

Evil Editor once traded sex for an iPod. Turned out to be filled with Gregorian chants. What a ripoff.

But the most pressing question here is for Evil Editor: Was the sex worth the Gregorian chants, and what would you have traded for a Nano?

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking this latest face lift illustrates the importance of matching your submission to the right critiquers/agent/publisher/etc.

EE performed his usual greatness on the query, but given the genre, that second letter would be more suitable for an urban lit imprint of a major publisher than a typical uburn lit house. Triple Crown actually wants the first four chapters & synopsis and accepts unagented submissions.

WC, I'm an aspiring chicklit author that decided to focus on mainstream books instead of AA romance. However, I read AA fiction and some street lit and continue to keep up with AA publishing trends. I'll send you my email address if you're looking for a critique partner or just want to commiserate :)Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker but I just wanted to say that of all the novels described in the queries Evil Editor posts, this book and the one about Sid--assuming they're well-written--are the only ones I'd read based on the plots. They sound neat.

And I like the title Closed Legs Don't Get Fed.

pacatrue said...

While most of the queries just make me laugh, this one sounded different and interesting to me as well. I could read it. The biggest barrier is the teen girl trading herself. If that is considered in any way erotic or if we get any more than the bedroom door closing for those scenes, I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole. There are probably good books that could deal with that, but I'm not sure I could, especially when there are 300 other books next to this one that I also haven't read and which don't make me feel icky. I am using the term erotic not just to mean "related to sex" but instead "enjoyably related to sex," i.e., arousing.

pacatrue said...

W said: "The fallacy of the early adolescent as seductress has always fascinated me. I see that our culture still has a twisted desire to portray the predator as victim and victim as predator."

I have had two thoughts lately on this issue, which I don't think are incompatible with yours, concerning early adolescent as seductress. One is that when you are a straight male growing up, you hit puberty right at 12, 13 or so. For the first time, girls suddenly are attractive in a different way. And of course the girls you are supposed to be attracted to at 13 are 13 year olds. But then some guys stick there. They get older, but their attraction doesn't change. It's like people who grow up on certain music and simply never change, ever. According to one study, the music you are by far most likely to enjoy all your life is whatever you listened to in high school. Some men seem to be stuck in the same way with sexual attraction, where normal, healthy attraction grows into something not so healthy as time moves on, but they don't. The second idea was that the change from girl to woman through puberty is really, truly an amazing transformation - in a completely innocent way. Just like the skinny boy whose voice deepens, chest broadens, etc. One thinks, "Where did this amazing butterfly come from?" But this normal wonder of human development gets clung to by some men, and they end up, like above, stuck on only one beatiful aspect of women.

Anyway, this is going pretty far afield from the purpose of this blog. Good luck with your novel.