Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Face-Lift 186


Guess the Plot


H.I.M. Jr.

1. Having drunk half the bottle of Champagne before the ceremony, celebrity ship-christener Holly Moly screws up the naming of the H.M.S. Juliet.

2. Howard Igsworth Mann, Jr. has left his life as a stock-broker for the big-time--dancing on the Las Vegas strip. Everybody thinks he's gone crazy, but they don't know what he's hiding from.

3. H.I.M. Sr. and H.E.R. document the early years of their adorable toddler.

4. Diane just knows her boss Harold Ignatius Mason Jr. is embezzling funds from the company, and to prove it she follows him around, wearing a burkha so he won't recognize her.

5. Madison and Ruby, the least popular girls at Hoover Middle School, use their science and computer skills to create dates for the Spring Fling dance.

6. Humanoid Industrial Mechanism looks around the deserted lab. The real humans are on lunch break. It's the perfect time to tinker around with the spare parts.


Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil:

Sometimes the devil wears Prada…and sometimes he sports a loud tie featuring scampering raccoons. [And sometimes he wears a blue suit, gold vest, and pince-nez.] If he’s Harold I. Mason, Jr., head of Boston’s venerable Animal Protection Agency (APA), you’ll recognize him by his movie-star looks, corny animal-themed jokes, and egregious behavior.

H.I.M. Jr., a workplace romp, is narrated by idealistic Diane Salvi, [A name I came up with by anagramming my two favorite people ever, Elvis and Diana.] recently out of Wellesley via working-class Staten Island. Diane arrives at APA in the wake of a sex scandal involving her and a client at Boston’s hottest ad agency. [Is she recently out of Wellesley, or the hot ad agency? Presumably you would work somewhere a while before getting involved in a sex scandal.] She’s brimming with enthusiasm for her new job as Communications Director [She directs communications between dogs and cats.] and smitten with her boss, Hal, but soon learns that he’s Brad Pitt on the outside, Enron’s Ken Lay inside. [Which she decides is better than the reverse, especially now that Lay is a rotting corpse.] APA’s Boston Brahmin board members [Is everyone familiar with that term?] like Jockey Leeth [Jockey? Who would name their child after underwear?] and Bunky Mulhouser think he walks on water, while his staff wishes he’d drown. He finally goes too far, inveigling innocent secretary and single mom Kaitlynne into a sordid affair, paying a hack friend with agency funds to write a vanity publication with his name on it, embezzling money to purchase high-end electronics and lavish vacations, and worse…much worse. [Much worse? Are we talking murder? Treason? Maybe instead of telling us about his affair and his skimming funds from the coffers, you should tell us the heavy stuff, so we'll want to read about his comeuppance.]

Diane and her reporter roommate Genie set out to dig up some dirt on Hal. In a zany Lucy-and-Ethel scheme, they tail him to Colorado, Diane hidden beneath a burkha, where they discover the shocking secret that leads to his downfall. [He runs a fur trapping business on the side.] [Did you just say they discovered his secret beneath her burkha?] Along the way, Diane gets swept into a hot-and-heavy romance with Hal’s charming ne’er-do-well son. [Is this a romance novel? I assume you'd have said so, but you haven't categorized it as anything other than a romp. No doubt when deciding which agent or editor to query, you first looked for one who handles romps, but coming up empty, you chose one who handles . . . what?]

If there’s a zeitgeist issue of the moment, my money’s on bad bosses. [If you're in the query stage, you need a Zeitgeist issue of two years from now, not the moment.] It’s the perfect time for a fun read in which the good guys (or gals) wreak vengeance on a conniving, philandering, good -for-nothing boss who deserves no less.

Enclosed are three sample pages. I would be pleased to submit the full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your consideration.


Revised Version

Dear Mr. Evil:

Sometimes the devil wears Prada … and sometimes, when he's Harold I. Mason, Jr., head of Boston’s venerable Animal Protection Agency, he sports a loud tie featuring scampering raccoons.

H.I.M. Jr., a workplace romp, is narrated by idealistic Diane Salvi, recently out of Wellesley via working-class Staten Island. Diane arrives at APA brimming with enthusiasm for her new job as Communications Director and smitten with her boss, Hal. But she soon comes to suspect that Hal is a serial killer.

Diane and her reporter roommate Genie set out to get the goods on Hal. In a zany Lucy-and-Ethel scheme, they tail him to Colorado--Diane hidden beneath a burkha--and discover the shocking secret that leads to his downfall. Along the way, Diane gets swept into a hot-and-heavy romance with Hal’s charming ne’er-do-well son.

There's never a bad time for a fun read in which the good guys (or gals) wreak vengeance on a conniving, philandering, good-for-nothing boss who deserves no less. I would be pleased to submit the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Not thrilled with the title. It doesn't tell me what to expect in the way of plot or genre.

I'm less interested in what I removed than I am in the zany scheme and the vengeance. Now that it's shorter maybe you can expand a bit on the good stuff. And if it's not a romance, we probably don't need to know about Hal’s charming ne’er-do-well son.

9 comments:

Luna said...

"He finally goes too far, inveigling innocent secretary and single mom Kaitlynne into a sordid affair"

Hey, if you're gonna have a sordid affair with me, at least spell my name right!

Crap, and I'm a mom?

(EE's version is very, very tight and still gives a great overview of the plot. The stuff he cut isn't stuff an agent/editor needs to know right off the bat. Like me, and my sordid affair. The only thing I'd want to know up front are the stakes--why, other than him being a sleazy boss, of which there are many, is HIM such a bad guy? Lots of bosses have affairs, write books published by vanity presses, drink 8 martinis at lunch and behave horribly to their staff. This guy doesn't sound particularly unique from your query. Make it a bit clearer what sets him apart from Generic Evil Boss Person. Is he really a serial killer? I'd read that book...)

Anonymous said...

Ouch. The name "Kaitlynne" hurts my eyes. Spell it normally, pretty please?

Other than that, I liked this query a lot (especially EE's version, of course -- and it's not sucking up 'cause I'm anonymous) and would probably pick the book up. However, I would agree with EE that the title could be catchier. (Heck, let's just say I agree with EE on everything and get it out of the way, okay?)

Stacia said...

Agree with Caitlin on everything, especially the horrible spelling. You totally lost me as soon as I saw "Kaitlynne". Made me wonder what other horrots I'd find in the book-"Neveah"? "Afrodytee"? "Destyny"?

Anonymous said...

Fake plots-- I thought it was #6. Good con job. I liked # 5 (cute).

EE, you were most hilarious in this! The anagram comment cracked me up. Loved the rotting corpse point. (Already realized the bhurka problem.) And found the Zeitgeist advice amusing.

I kept waiting for you to number all the characters and give us a scorecard, though.


Author, nothin to add to EE's comments.

(Hey EE--give us minions some room to add on!) Oh wait--I can say, Jockey and Bunkey--too much alike (but maybe that's the point?).

The story does sound like it might be amusing. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

The original query is fun, but the wackiness seems to be coming at the expense of telling us about the plot. I don't like EE's version much better; the wackiness is gone, but there's still no substance.

Based on the query, I'm wondering how much sympathy I would feel for the protagonists. Diane and Genie want to ruin this guy's life just because they don't like him? No matter how zany they are, that seems pretty spiteful. Tell us what Hal's "much worse" is, because otherwise he mostly just sounds like a garden-variety jerk, and I'm not sure he deserves to be tailed by a reporter for that. The embezzlement is getting close to being vendetta-worthy, but Hal still needs to be more evil.

Word veri: MrJayiz - EE's alter ego?

Anonymous said...

If the boss secretly kicked puppies, that would be a good reason for his workers to hate him, then they could stumble on the serial killer thing.

writtenwyrdd said...

I like EEs version. If you have a book with that back matter, I'd at the very least read the first few paragraphs. I'd be likely to buy it. I love amusing, well-written chick lit.

I do agree on a few downers.

1) hate the title. Maybe use something animal related like The Well-Dressed Rat (not serious with that), or something with the word Vermin that ties in with the theme?

2)the character names need a little work. Don't make them so odd that your reader has to think about them. Jockey? You'd be better off with Biff. (I actually knew a guy named Biff, and yes, he did attend a prep school before Ivy League and think he was Entitled.)

I'd also suggest you make generic evil boss (as Caitlin called him) be rather charming. Let us like him, a little or a lot, and have that be a constant running gag that Lucy & Ethel gags can spin off of. It will add to the humor if she has to keep dealing with the fact that the boss is so darned likeable.

ssas said...

I question the a burka as a disguise in Colorado. Um, we're whitey-ville out West and burkas stand out like spots on an appaloosa. I saw a woman in one once. Everyone stared.

Anonymous said...

Jockey and Bunky made me think of Wodehouse. But didn't make me laugh like I was reading Wodehouse.